Friday, March 9, 2012
I went to Children's yesterday to pick up Terry for his first big trip and he did fine. While at the hospital I received all the discharge instructions, care, feeding and follow up dates. I was nervous, maybe anxious, not sure what word is best; I think unsettled is the most correct word. I shared this with the hospital social worker and she was encouraging and told me that this would be tough and that we would not know if this "was a good fit". The phrase "good fit" is one we here often from social workers and it is quite strange because this is a baby, not a jacket of retirement plan. However, they are trained and I think they understand that some placements simply are not good for all those involved. The problem is who makes that call that it is not a good fit, me, Connie, the social workers, my children? I think the answer is yes. We will all most likely work to determine what is best for all of us. It may be that we cannot handle caring for a bay right now, it may be that we can, or the lack of sleep may prove too much for our busy homeschooling, farming house. We really don't know, but deep down I feel like if this doesn't work then we are somehow failures.
I feel an ENORMOUS weight, like all eyes (at least my family's eyes) are keenly watching me. Maybe to see if I can make a decision when, and if, the time comes. Maybe they are watching to see if my faith is real, I don't know but I am certain that "this" is weighty. I wish I could elaborate more on this point, but time does not allow it right now.
Please continue to pray for Connie and the sleep schedule, she needs sleep because of her brain injury. I am concerned about her because she will push and push until she can push no more. I hope that I am able to be attentive to her needs, while being objective in my observation of how she is functioning. I love my wife and it is my privilege, and joy, to take care of her; no matter what that entails.