Friday, May 23, 2014

What fostering has taught me, entry 3

I have learned that the "unknowns" are in some ways harder for me to cope with than it is for the foster children. There are many unknowns in the fostering world, courts, custody, visits and of course the future of your foster children.  Foster children have developed survival skills that are often destructive to them and others. Many of them have lived lives filled with unknowns that "we" cannot imagine. Many do not (or did not) know when they will eat, when they will see mommy or daddy, or when they will witness an act of violence, when they will be beaten,raped or rented out. Many do not know why mommy can't .... or daddy can't. Many do not know their real families, many do not know where they will live next, or if they will ever have a forever home. Many of them do not know love. Many do not know that screaming, hitting, hurting and abusing are NOT forms of love. Many of them do not know Jesus.  They have no control over anything in their lives.
The social worker took them from home and mom/dad, they had no say.  
The social worker found them a foster family, they had no say. 
The social worker/court told them they will visit mom/dad for 2 hours on this day of the week, at this place, with people to supervise, they had no say.
The social worker/court determined that the child should begin weekend visits, they had no say.
The social worker/court determined that weekend visits were not working, so they stopped and they had no say.
The weekly visit was canceled, they had no say.
The social worker/court decided visits would stop forever, they had no say.
The social worker/court decided decided visits should start again, they had no say.
The foster family decided that the child must leave, they had no say.
The foster family decided to adopt them, they had no say.
The foster child got a new last name, they had no say.
The foster child was told what room was their's, they had no say.

The foster child is literally controlled by adults that are trying to protect themselves, by social workers who are trying to help mom/dad get well, by foster families that are trying give stability and they are controlled by anger, rage and confusion that they did not ask for and cannot control. 

In an effort to control SOMETHING, ANYTHING, the foster child misbehaves because when he does he can make SOMETHING happen . . even if it is time out, a stern talking to or words of rebuke.  They will always find a way to control something in their lives, even at my expense.


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